Drive into Hell

The roads we have (for the places there are roads) are made with a long term view. Its built for the time when we will not have petrol and hence no vehicles on road. Most of our vehicles were built with a long term view as well ( on account of shared 'longterm' vision). Therefore the government is unwilling to cast them off even if a yellow coloured ambassador can cause more deaths than swine flu. Swine Flu on the other hand is a national calamity.
The best thing about driving on Indian roads is that you feel completely at home.You can stop in the middle of road to talk to a old time friend or may be even an acquaintance just for the heck of it. You can have tea sitting on the sidewalks, you can dry clothes if your home has a paucity of sunshine, you can rear your children and teach them how to run , escaping from a speeding vehicle. Ofcourse the last option also lends you the opportunity of financial benefit of the kid is hit. Its a bit like working from home.
For those who are against speeding are allowed to build a speed breaker of their own infront of their homes. Surprisingly a lot of people look to be in a hurry but most of them hate speeding, that's what can explain the number of times my car has to jump in a 10 minute ride.
Okay .. this piece has taken me a long long time so I am going to end it abruptly.. this has taken me as much time as I take to drive across Kolkata.. almost 4 months !! 

Apple

Apple, somehow has always been a male obsession. Once we blamed it on Eve, now we blame it on MicroSoft. Blaming is something we males are better at than females, one thing we "blame" them for. But thats another story another day. So, keep one thing at a tantalisingly close distance and warn a man not to reach for it and he will, without and iota of doubt he will itch to death if he doesnt. Same with over priced ultra comlicated apple products. Out of reach in terms of price, just about to be fully controled technology and the rich love it and the geeks love it. Rich has always been cool and somehow i sense geek is cool these days ( god save the world). So applying all these theories in my subconsiousness I reached out for the ipod. That is because I might miss out on some music in some fatal second of my day ispite of channel v/m/vh1 etc .. laptop speakers, ear plugs, mobile, car audio, and I just couldnt take that chance.
It has been a week since then and all I have done is try to load some music on it. The main purpose now is not listenign to songs, its listening to them on ipod. The funny little device, where you have to move your thumb round to scrool because apprently the ancient way of scrolling by pressing was too much of excercise for the thumbs and also because it was pretty darn easy !! Who wants to do easy stuff when you have to option to complicate it ? Human development is the perfect example of how to complicate things, so that we can solve that complication later with another complicated thing and give away a nobel prize for that. My struggle with ipod still continues, which I am about to give up. Yes yes .. you heard it right, I am about to give up and ipod and please its no crime. And too all the geeks who want to laugh at me, I bet you cant shoot the ball in the net even if you were inside the goal post ( inspite of all your pretence about your interest in football WC and your superlative knowledge showoffs via wikipedia), so shut the fuck up.
This is an account of how the proceedings went.

Me : hey ipod .. so happy that i finally laid my hands in u
ipod: dude .. keep ur labour class hands away from me, show me u can spend more than an average indian's annual income for music, which thechnically u hv no idea about.
Me: huh . .. here it is .. the plastic money .. now i m ur master. ( please dont let my card be overlimit)
ipod: ( he he .. u wish)
Me: cool box .. sleek .. hmm .. apple does know how to make things. (i will be an outcast if i dont like it .. rite? )
ipod : i know i m awesome, people have told that to me for like zillion times. my competition is beaten by my awesomeness. i am the rajnikanth of music players !!
Me : So how do i listen to u.
ipod : do u have a macbook ? ( u filthy labour class .. i bet u dont.. u cant afford it)
Me : ummm nope .. but i do hv an hp
ipod : haaah ! hp .. how LS !! good luck then ( bugger will either waste the money spent on me .. or will spend another 100K)
Me : I knw I have to download i tunes. so i did that already.
ipod : check for updates u moron, dont u know, we give 10% of time for users to use our products .. rest of the time is utilised in more productives works like installing updates and putting patches.
Me : hmmm impressive .. kaizan i see .. continous improvement !!
ipod : now charge me.
i huff and puff .. and sweat some
Me: shit the guys didnt give a charger it seems
ipod: cant you see the data cable ? i can be charged by a laptop only as of now... to make things convinient for u. u just have to plug in ur laptop and then wait for it to boot and then u hv to plug me in so that i get charged. contratry to ur middle class habit of just plugging in the device that is to be charged. i am luxury item, u need to carry a 5 kg bag of laptop with u if u want to carry me. there are again normal chargers in the market, but we dont give them lest it should increase the convinience levels.
Me : oh ok ... cool .. charging via laptop .. no issues any way i m infornt of it most of the times. ( errmmm... )
ipod : (he he .. u dont knw what u r up against)
Me : i conect u and itunes opens automatically, rite ?
ipod : yes yes .. first i tunes will open and then i will give u errors every time u connect me. there will be different numbers for it. u will go mad searching for solutions in the net for the errors .. but all of them will be for macbook. each time i will throw up a random number to humour u. we have delebrately not made it to be in a format where u can directly copy an mp3 in the device. that will be too middle class. even if u manage to sync it .. the next time i will erase all data .. its a fun game.. lets play..
Me : it cant be that hard.. 
ipod: error (-50)


5 days have passed and the ipod has kept its promise.
Apple and Steve Jobs .. i m returning this ipod .. and yes also .. "UP YOURS" !!

The Story of Spaces

The geography taught to us in school tells us that India's geographical area is 3287263 skm. I am counting the parts occupied by Pakisthan in a war that we supposedly 'won'. Discounting that might put me as an anti-national and I certainly dont want to be that in 'India Shining'. The census data and my aproximation puts out population to around 125 crores. Again excuse me for not being too hep to be using millions and billions way of counting. When we were growing up, we were not Americans.
So keeping that in mind we have a space of around 2600 sqm for each individual. Wow !! And we thought India was over crowded !! I know.. I know .. forests and rivers and roads and factories and farms leave only a certain portion to be residential and yes it is indeed over crowded at places. I could see the scorn on peoples faces, specially the ones in Mumbai.
I began my house hunting in Kolkata on the same premise...wrong one which I soon realised. The day I land in Kolkata, I have this huge burden to find a place because my company is stupid enough to shift me in the middle of the month and tell me that I can afford only 7 days hotel stay. Yeah rite, they pay me enough to pay a full month's rent in Patna and then again a full month's rent in Kolkata for the same month. The problem is that they pay me only that much.Thats another story though. I just get sentimental whenever I remember my pay.
Day one, I go to a broker who pockets 1K just for showing me flats ad shows me 5 crapy flats. Then he has none and stops answering my calls. Before that, he showed his fellings of contempt towards me for not wanting to rent a flat that had a big fungus infected, rotten egged smelling drain as a morning view. The drain was so big that I suspected I could see the sun rising out of it.
Frantic calls to few more brokers and I am filled with optimism and promises of "land where thou shalt rest".
I go on a spree, and see god knows how many of these sick, demented landlords with a sadistic, condescending, you are a poor bastard with no home look. I tried to give them a your place sucks look back but I dont think that any house owner ever expects and accepts that.
Me : So any restrictions on your part
LL1: No nothing ( you have to live the way I tell you coz its my home you loser). Just that you have to get your car out at 6am and park it in before 9 pm.
Me : But 6 is too early and so is 9 !! ( u stupid bong, u dont have a life, i do !!)
LL1: Then dont get the car ( huh... thinks he can argue with me, standing on "My Land")

Me: Your flat looks great, Wots the rent ?( God !! please let it be reasonable)
LL2: 18 K plus maintanence
Me: Puff !! hmm ... eerrmmm... let me see some more.

Me: I am still single, is that okay with you ?
LL3: You will have to get married in 6 months time or you will have to vacate.
Me: (WTF !!! Sure why dont u go ahead and select the girl too!!!) he he .. (and another long lame smile)

LL4: You cannot drink, smoke, get a girl in the house, come late at night, have friends for parties.
Me: Oh let me think about it. ( are you kidding me !! i dont like any of those stuff at all ... i am planning to go to himalayas and become a sanyasi)

This goes on for a day before I have to go to Bhubneshwar for another space hunting. We have to "discover" a new warehouse for the company because the current landlord want to revise his rate from Rs 5 psft to Rs. 15 psft !! God !! this country needs land reforms and of course a regulator on property prices.
So there I am hunting for another piece of space in a place which suddenly has shown amazing appetite for it. Bhubnehswar devours a piece of land like ambrosia.
And before I get to know the dynamics there is our tranporter with a request to raise his trip costs from Rs 150 to Rs 200/-.
Me: This is too much even considering the price increase. It is close to 34%.
Tptr: But sir, my costs have gone up and food prices have gone up and everything has gone up.
Me: But the prices havent gone up by 34% !! How much did you pay your driver and how much are you paying now ?
Tptr: Its gone up from 3000 to 3500.
Me: So thats only 17% increase. And how much has petrol prices gone up ?
Tptr: From 42 to 48 sir.
Me: So that is 14% increase, why do u want such a sharp increase ?
Tptr: Sir 17%+14% is 31% increase .. I am asking close to that.
Me: ( When will you realise to that logic doesnt work on all people)

Logic doesnt work on all people, specially the ones who have a "space" in their life. ( Pun Intended)

Adventures in an Interview Room

I have been looking for a decent sales guy for fifteen days now, even posted it on FB hoping to get some references (which i do get when there is no opening). Well the last resort is to turn to a consultant, which my HR refuses because they think its a waste of money to hire a consultant for this post.Ya, right !! But then you dont argue with the HR, you just send them the bills.And before I end this prelude, I must say that this piece has no intentions to hurt anyones feelings but if does, who cares, you are not higher than me in the corporate ladder anyway.
These are seperate instances and anyone who has either tried to kill someone or oneself will relate (basically everyone).

Candidate: Sir, "Odd one out" में Odd का मतलब क्या होता है ?
Me : जो अलग हो ( for example u moron)
Aseem: जिसे २ से divide न किया जा सके|


Me : Why did you choose Sachin in this Odd one out question among Sachin, Anand, Jadeja and Ganguly
Candidate: क्यूंकि सर सचिन तो सब से अलग है ना !!!
Me : Ayeen .. ha ha ha .. !! ( should i post this on FB !!! )

(I am fed up tansliterating it into hindi.... )

Me: Why did you choose Kochi in this Odd one out question among Chennai, Kochi, Hyderabad and Bangluru
Candidate: Sir rest of them are all in India
Me: Oh Ok !! ( I am amazed at your confidence, beats santosh thourani and also thank me that i m not giving ur address to Swarna Srikrishnana Ganeshan)

Me: So you have studied zoology in grad, what is the difference between a plant cell and and animal cell.
Candidate: The plant cells dont hurt plants but the animal cells hurt animals
Me: Ooookaaaayyy ( maam mamta rani ... thnks a lot , i thought u were a lousy teacher, apparently there can be worse)
Me: Leave it tell me the scientific name of tiger
Candidate: Royal Bengal Tiger
Me : huh !! ( maam aapke charan kahan hain?? )

Me: So economics hons .. great !!! Can you tell me what is a supply demand model ?
Candidate: Sorry sir !!
Me : Phew !! atleast one who is honest enough !!
Candidate : But sir i know that Manmohan Singh has something to do with it !!!
Me : (So close !!)

.... to be continued ... have interviews today as well :)

Appraisal

I have been appraised four times in my career. Each time has been a surprise.Nothing new, everyones' is, but then once it has been a pleasent surprise. Shocked you ? We have all grown to hate the word as much as we hated our principal's remarks on our report card or Himesh Reshmiya's nastral chatings on a cool sunday morning.
So there I was conducting the appraisals, fully aware of the mental images my sales exes are painting and the stuff that couldnt gather the courage to come out. This giy sitting infront of me has worked more hours than me, had an experience greater than my age ( i m trying to understate my age and not overstate his exp) and could beat the crap out of me in terms of business knowledge. This is an interesting scenario.
Me: Do you think you have performed to your potential ? ( haaah .. got him .. if he says yes .. his potential gets undermined and if he says no he is screwed anyways) and also ( i dont hv a F***ing idea of what he did last year and I just want to know that what he did was his KRA)
SE : I have tried my level best sir (tell me to sell some more threads but dont ask me these questions)
Me : But is this the best results that your efforts cud have got ? ( u moron .. dont play with words with me .. i have been trained to do that and just that)
SE : Yes sir, with my limited powers I have done the best I could ( bugger .. tell me the raise i will get and leave me alone .. this is some time u r wasting)
Me: We all work under some constraints and we have to make best use of it. ( Bugger is brining power into it . he wants all responsibilty and power .. what does he think he is ? spiderman ?)
SE : I understand sir ( like i am working under the constraint of u being my boss) but i trust u will have a fair idea of my work and are the best judge.
Me : Yes yes .. i am .. ummmm... i am .. yeah why not .. ummm ( bugger .. threw the ball in my court didnt he). So why havent you delivered in the month of november ? that was a 'crucial' month for us.
SE : But sir I have more than made it up in rest of the months ( &*%$ .. of all the months he found only this one .. i hope he doesnt find out that i was on leave then)
Me : but november was so crucial ( has he ?? i havent even bothered to check that, had to watch some shows)
SE : sorry to let you down sir ( the sooner i say it the lesser painful its going to be)
Me : huh .. its okay .. u have done decently in other months ( oh crap !!)
SE : ( this is what i have been trying to say you moron)
Me : ( Why does he look like he knows something more than me?)
Me : So why were your market visits so low ? ( oh god .. wot will i answer to this question in my appraisal )
SE : Sir .. i was in bed rest for 3 months in the year coz i was trying to complete the visits targets on a sunday, got hit by a car and had multiple fracture. ( its almost like the pizza hut guy trying to take the pizza in time on a friday eveing in bangalore)
Me : U still had 9 months to do that ( i can reproduce in that time !!)
SE : I will try sir ( can you please take my schedule and show how !!!)
Me : Good ( haah .. cot ya !! .. or did i :-?)
... 3 hrs later
Me :So you think C is a decent grade for you ?
SE: If you say so sir ( please forgive me and let me go to my family )
Me: Glad that we agreed. This shows our team bonding and loyalty.

Absurd Observations

We all have these absurd realisations and wonder why or may be not wonder at all due to lack of time. Time is something I find myself to have in abundance, though I would have preferred money instead. Human race.. phew !! Never satisfied with what it has. There are some realisations that I have had for last month or so. They are abrupt and with little co-relation.
1. While watching Dr Strangelove, I suddenly realised, we had invented nuclear weapons before we could learn to make a colour movie !!! Its obviously very important to know how to destroy the world.
2. While crossing a one way road, a women will always look both ways for vehicles and if you are driving she will try and cross looking the other way.
3. Its very very important for rural women to have a burkha/ghunghat while crossing a road. The road has been known to have impure thoughts and should not be allowed to view the face and the face should not in any circumstance be naked in front of the road.
4. 60% of the children walking by the road will try and run across the road if you are driving at more than 80 kmph. (the sample size is not statistically significant though)
5. We can divide a state on the basis of language, water, minerals, culture etc ( all necessarily pointing towards the politicians pockets). We can even divide it on the basis of a person not eating ( as far a public view is concerned). We will never divide it on the basis of better administration.
6. Never play loud music in the car with a bunch of people. You will never be able to tell who leaked the deadly poisonous gas you have been struggling not to inhale.
7. The bomb can only and only be diffused if it has only one second to go. Whatever wire you cut at time is the one required to diffuse the bomb.
8. Hollywood makes equal if not more shitty movies compared to Bollywood. If you want to respect them you can call them technical bullshit.
9. The beautiful girl who walks into your compartment on the train will always be there so see someone off.
10. No matter how much drink you buy, you are always one peg short.
11. No commercial is complete till it has a female in it.
12. If a girl says "No", the guys hears "May be" if she says a stern "No" he hears " Probably Later".
13. No one knows what Sensex is, but everyone is excited about it.
14. We Indians have heros in people who never won. Maharana Pratap, Puru, Shivaji, Laxmi Bai, Prithvi Raj etc etc.. We abhor achievement and hate people who reach the top. (This is my personal opinion and hello .. I am entitled to have one)
15. We are a democracy. We are intelligent enough to elect a government. Just not smart enough to know what to read, which movie to watch, when to drink, what to do in public etc etc.. Well considering the kind of people we elect, this does seem to be a logical conclusion. My only point is ban us form voting as well. Pleaaaaaaaseeeeee...

Forget and Forgive - Our Social Structure

I was in Bhagalpur for a couple of days. My hometown, my place of birth and supposedly a place that I need to admire and respect even if it makes me pull out my gut and wrap it around my face. I wish that the feeling of respect and admiration was not pushed on us by the chance of birth, rather, it should be deserved. So here I was in a place that I had grown up and a place that I wish I could do something about. How did I reach there ?
I was in Nepal for a couple of days, on work, far from the mobile calls and frantic mails. I was to return to Patna from Katihar, a place close to the border. And the day I was supposed to get on the train I hear that all the trains form the station has been cancelled as the train track has suddenly collapsed. All the fighting we witness for the post of Railway Minister is for such opportunities. Though no lives were lost ( sad for the bureaucrats and the opposition, who cud have made money and political mileage respectively). So when the rail track collapsed, there is no alternative route. I cant even imagine to take a road route.. you know why. I don't even care to complain about the fact that a rail track has not been mended for 48 hours !! Stranded in the 18th century with a Maoist rule on one side and a disillusioned democracy on the other, I decided, I will go to Bhagapur and take a train from there. Indo-Nepal border is a joke. You can crossover with a fighter plane if u have a stupid chalk mark on it and may be a 100 Rs note for the benefit of the border keepers. I know their salaries aren't enough and that their wives might want a LCD TV this Diwali, I forgive them. I have almost forgotten that I was supposed to take a train.
When I reach the border - Jogbani ( a small town surviving on smuggling to Nepal), I find no vehicles there. Its 17th September , Vishwakarma Puja. The God who in some holy scriptures must have asked the motorist not to run their vehicles on this particular day. This Puja is strange in two ways. It happens every 17th Sept which is strange as the Hindu calender is not the same as Roman calender. It forbids the running of machinery which wasn't even there when the foundations of the what we call Hinduism was taking place. This must have been added later on as a bonus holiday, as if the existing ones were not enough. And suddenly I spotted a press vehicle that was to return to Bhagalpur after delivering papers there. I book it. Its illegal, its not a commercial passenger vehicle. I still book it. I prefer my personal "comforts" over the "law of the nation".
The road from Jogbani to Bhagalpur is 30 km of rubbles and rocks, 25 km of dilapidated road, 5 km of roads, 40 km of 6 lane express highway under construction for the last 2 centuries, 30 km of rubbles again and 50 km of bad roads. Bruised tail bone and tottering body,I landed home... happy .. no memories of the roads behind. I bet they have been mended 10 times on papers.Koi baat nahin .. neta hain .. paise to khayenge hi.
I reached home in the sweet mild rains that had taken the heat off the air. It even prevented me from muttering my famous dialogues about global warming. I didnt even feel the absence of electricity. I first noticed that there was no electricity when my mother asked me shut the TV "because you never know when the bijli will come". She was right - traditional wisdom, local experience and trend analysis at play all at the same time.I waited .. waited and waited longer and then I gave up. One day passed by and still no scope and no hope. "Saar .. transformer ud gaya hai.. teal badalna hoga" Local practice.. I remembered I had been through this. Yes ... not a big deal.. a local scientific lab had proved that the boiling of whatever oil is used in the transformers is equal to getting it charged. The same technology was applied. No avail. No electricity yet.So the dreaded thing happened. The transformer had to be replaced.
This is an interesting process. 4-5 people in the colony make a group to collect money which is generally in the range of Rs 200 per house. As an accepted norm this is what the electricity department needs to get a new transformer. The state electricity board might be running in losses but the employees are not. People complained in subdued voices that they are playing the bills in time that they have lodged a complaint as well and that they should not be paying bribes, but underneath they knew its compulsory. 3 days it took for me to see the tube light on again. 3 days it took me to see how people are accustomed to the way of life and how easily we forget what is right and what is wrong. We forgive all the misgivings and we live in peace. We don't want to quarrel with the system, we don't want to challenge it.